Sunday 7th September 2003 at 7pm is one of those dates and times that is etched in my mind and…
The Nitty Gritty of You
My Darling, My Future Love, As I sit here on this warm September afternoon I think about you yet I…
Nostalgia
Katie and Annie went back to school this morning. I got up early enough to see Josh before he went…
September Song
September has always felt more like a beginning than at any other time of the year. Probably it stems from…
Not Settling
I deleted my account from the dating site today. It wasn’t right, as I knew it wouldn’t be. I looked…
On Yer Bike
Yet again, for probably the fourth time this year, I’ve decided to join a dating site. I don’t know if…
The Pull
Despite Phil being in a relationship with someone else for the last six months, he offered me sex tonight. We…
Stepping Stones
Phil emailed me last night to tell me that he’d had a meeting with his bosses to discuss the job…
Conflicting Beliefs
When I was growing up I clearly remember a lot of times when I was told by my mum, ‘You…
Beyond Selfish
I am exhausted. I am so tired I could drop. I feel drained on every level and so tonight, after…
Friends Like These
Sometimes something sneaks up on me and takes me completely by surprise. Something that I think I’ve dealt with and…
I’m Ready
Since the four year anniversary of leaving Tom two days ago, I’ve really felt as though a line has been…
The Gift I Gave
This time four years ago today, I was lying on a mattress on the floor of my new house for…
Truth and Lies
Today I got the answer to my question from both Phil and Tom. Tom refused to answer. He said we…
Passions & Dreams
I started reading a book that includes an online workbook to help find your passion and dreams to aid you…
Hardened
I’ve become hardened. The lack of love in my life is hardening me. I remember when I was with Phil,…
Saving The World
I’ve had a lot of problems with Katie’s school this week. I have thrown myself into trying to resolve the…
The Slightest Change
My mood has been quite low today. My lack of positivity made my day harder than it needed to be…
Setting Boundaries
I had my last counselling session with Pam today. Tom and Josh had a very heated argument in my house…
Inner Strength
After dropping Annie off at school, all the mums went into Karen’s for a catch up after the weekend. Whilst…
Blissful
I went to two parties last night. The first was for my friend, Debbie’s 30th birthday. I stayed there until…
My Father’s Playground
At my counselling session today, we talked a bit about Tom and my Dad. I told her how angry I…
TimeLine
I asked myself a question today which ended up being very thought-provoking. ‘How much of my past have I allowed…
Emotional Substitutes
At counselling today we talked about Phil and a little about Tom. On the way to counselling, Tom, who had…
Learning To Embrace The Wild
A series of thoughts throughout the morning led me on a trail of self-discovery that I needed to go on…
Free Fall
I had an interesting conversation with Tom today. I told him how I felt yesterday in TGIs, how sad it…
Bargaining For Love
I’m agitated and in the midst of a hurricane of panic. I’m back in touch with my old faithful friends…
Magical Inspiration
Katie has been mad about the Harry Potter films for ages so today I booked to take her, Alice and…
Balancing
I saw Pam, the counsellor again today. Pam wanted to continue what we’d started with Mum last time. She said…
Powerless
While dropping Annie at Tom’s today, Tom and I had a conversation about his ex girlfriend. He said he doesn’t…
Understanding
After putting off seeing Mum and being two weeks late for Mother’s Day, I finally went round there today. I…
Butterflies
I’ve had a headache ever since I wrote Purging. I’ve had anxiety butterflies, I constantly feel sick, my skin feels…
Purging
Mum always used to cook a roast dinner on a Sunday. Every week she would passively-aggressively slam cupboards, pans, plates…
Scraping the Surface
I saw my counsellor for the second time today. She asked how my week had been and if I knew…
Letting Go Again
Alice asked to talk with me today. She mentioned how hard it is seeing her boyfriend Jack as they don’t…
Against The Wall
I’m really restless and stressed this morning. There’s a workman here replacing the broken gate and that makes me uptight.…
Judgement Healing
This morning I woke feeling much better than I have for the last few weeks. I felt positive, balanced and…
Bittersweet
My Dad rang this morning, he said he wanted to see how I was as I’d been on his mind…
Resistance is Futile
The last few days have been so difficult, I feel sick constantly, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I have…
The First Stage of Grief
I paid for a course on relationship anxiety yesterday and started watching the first video today. Only four minutes into…
Rescue Me
I’ve had a really introspective day today. I was really tired and could feel my mood dropping lower and lower…
Flawed
Since letting go of Tom, I’ve been taking a long hard look at myself and seeing that I am actually…
The End Of The World
Last night I dreamt . . . I am stood alone, but aware of people somewhere around me, in the…
The Day I Acted On My Intuition
After dropping the kids to school this morning, I suddenly got the strongest intuitive sense that I needed to have…
Unconventional
I went into Karen’s this morning for a quick catch up. It was our normal chatting about nothing in particular…
A Physical Lifeline
One day last week I had an urge to see my cousin. I went into town today and coincidentally, bumped…
And Yet Still
Annie and I decided to take Jasper for a walk and then go on to Mum’s. When Tom rang to…
Surrendering
I went round to Tom’s once I’d dropped the kids at school as I needed him to change my tyre.…
An Unexpected Compliment
I went for breakfast with Karen and Sam today. While there we chatted about friends and their values. I said…
Bruised
I haven’t had any contact with Phil for about a month now and I’ve barely thought about him in that…
Exploration
I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody, someone who is happiest to be at home, doing my own thing and…
Learning To Say No
We went to Millie’s today, she’d invited us over to take Jasper so their new puppy, Rex could learn to…
Paralysed By A Label
Growing up I soon learned my ‘label.’ My older sister, Millie was ‘The Clever One’ and I was ‘The Pretty…
Wheel of Choice
One of my fondest memories of my childhood is from when I was about 6 or 7. I was in…
Best Friend
On the first day of 2014, I wrote, as one of my answers in a family questionnaire, that Phil was…
Slipping Away
This evening Tom came over to bring Annie back from his. Annie left the room and Tom suddenly blurted out…
Self Contained
More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There…
A Long-Awaited Apology
This morning, I laid in bed in that in-between state of not asleep but not quite awake either and I…
Open Doors
It was Uncle Kevin’s funeral today. I didn’t want to go. All week I’ve been dreading it, I just cannot…
Centred in The Self
Phil texted me tonight, wanting to talk. He told me he’d done a mediation and he’d realised that the last…
Drained
I feel drained. Not because of Christmas or all the work that goes with it but because of Tom. The…
The Right Choice
Phil rang up tonight to talk about giving me a birthday present. I asked him not to give me anything but…
Acknowledging & Letting Go
When Tom came over to see the kids tonight we got talking, just the two of us. We were talking…
A Harsh Reminder
This afternoon I received some very sad news. My uncle Kevin died today, he was 67 years old. It’s heartbreaking…
Crave
I feel really tearful today. I’m sat in bed feeling very tired, agitated and completely unable to relax. Since Phil…
Weakening
Phil emailed me for the first time since he ended things. I can’t help thinking he did it because he…
Letting In
It turns out that letting go, when you make up your mind to do it and then just get on…
The Trouble With Letting Go
I’m having a big lesson in letting go today. For the last three years I have held on to bags…
Leech
This morning I’ve been in a great mood. I’ve felt light, happy, energetic and positive and then my Dad turned…
A Reminder
I’ve spent the last couple of days ill with a bad cold. I got virtually no sleep on Friday night…
I’m Sorry
This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful…
The Hug
On Friday night I dropped and broke my phone, it had been messing around anyway so not a massive loss…
It’s Over
Phil sent me an email tonight, “We need to talk. I am not prepared to have a relationship with an…
Accepting & Embracing
I spent this evening scanning in all the photos and mementoes from some of the boxes Mum lent me of…
The Other Half
Yesterday continued to be a complete washout. After writing, I fell asleep for an hour then went off to get…
Free Time Failure
It’s been weeks and weeks since I last had a Saturday night/Sunday to myself. Last weekend Annie and the girls…
The Half Life
If ever I needed an answer to my many questions it was now. If ever there was such a thing…
The Ripple Effect
I heard about a crash that occurred this morning about fifteen miles from me. A man had driven into two…
Fright Night
It’s Halloween, the scariest day of the year! To mark the occasion I started the day off facing some of…
I Love Him Not
I spent the day organising a load of clutter to put on eBay. I’m hoping to start building up enough…
The Continuation of Conflicted Feelings
My feelings for Phil have changed, yet again. How many times does this have to happen before I act on…
Compulsive Intuition
Over the last few weeks, something has been building that feels so right. It feels exciting. When I left Tom,…
Doubts & Fears
I’m still having some doubts about whether I feel enough for Phil or not. These fears never go away fully…
Acceptance
I went to Phil’s last night despite my feelings earlier in the day, actually because of them. I needed to…
I Love Him, I Love Him Not
I woke up missing Phil but that changed shortly afterwards to doubts again. I don’t know why they’ve started up…
Quantum Leap
I used to watch a program called Quantum Leap. The main character, Sam, would leap from year to year and…
Yes
I spent the day with Phil, wrapped up in bed. One day we may do something other than stay in…
Invalidated
We decided to spend the bank holiday having a barbecue. As we knew Tom would be at a loose end…
Broken
I missed Phil like mad all day today. I was longing to see him, to snuggle in his arms and…
Relationship Anxiety
I did a ton of research on Google today and came up with some very interesting stuff on relationship anxiety…
To Be or Not To Be
I spent the afternoon with Phil today. It was perfect. Every time we’re together it feels so good. Being with…
Alone & Lonely
When Josh was born, 23 years ago, I started writing books for him about his childhood and our lives together,…
Pressured
I’ve been feeling exhausted lately. I feel drained of all energy yet really struggle to sleep at night. Last night…
Support
I went over to Phil’s today for sex but I realised, while there, that it’s not actually the sex I…
Taking Control
I’ve spent the last couple of weeks thinking I wanted a relationship with Tom again. I know deep down that…
Feeling The Pain
This evening, out of the blue, I missed Phil. I realised that although I don’t want to be with him,…
Self Worth
I went out last night with Sasha. We got horrendously drunk and had the best night! It did me so…
What If?
I went to Sasha’s today. She wanted to talk. This usually means she’s going through a rough patch with David…
Singledom
My friend, Alex and I often have lengthy conversations about life, love, kids, everything. She has become a great sounding…
