Unkindness

As I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy, I’m feeling emotional, tired and stressed with too much time on my hands. I’m looking back over the last few months and I’m seeing a picture that I don’t like.

In the first weeks of pregnancy when I was really suffering from tiredness, I mentioned how exhausted I was to Tom just once and his reply was, “Just because the books tell you that you’ll be tired doesn’t mean you have to pretend you are.”

It’s been pretty much the same all the way throughout. If I’ve mentioned anything aching or any symptom, he rolls his eyes. He even said we won’t be having another baby because he couldn’t go through it again. I rarely complain about pain or discomfort so his comments are really unfair. I’ve been having false alarms for the past month and yet he told me the other day that he doesn’t want to hear about it until I’m dropping on the floor in pain.

I’m starting to have thoughts about leaving him because if it’s like this now, how will it be once the baby’s here?

He’s always gone to the pub twice a week but he said that once we got near the due date at thirty-seven weeks, he either wouldn’t go or he’d go but drive and not have a drink. The pub is twenty miles away. He gets a train there and back and is gone a total of about six hours. Now my due date is a week away and he’s still going, but for the last three weeks, he’s been three times a week and out one night a week to college. He drinks five or six pints and then once he’s home he either has some wine or a can of beer. Some nights he gets home and comes upstairs to say hello but not every night, so on those nights, anything could happen and he just wouldn’t know until the morning. He rarely comes to bed before 1.30am on the nights he goes out.

We haven’t spoken since Thursday night because I told him that I am fed up with him for going out and leaving me on my own with the other three kids. I am stuck indoors alone most days because I’m too apprehensive to go out in case labour starts and I’m spending approximately half the weeknights alone too while he goes off out having fun with his drinking buddies.

He barely lifts a finger to help around the house, he might wash up occasionally but that’s about it. I do everything and then he has the nerve to complain that he’s tired and he naps on the sofa. If I go up to bed to nap, which I badly need, he wakes me up. Yesterday, he woke me because he decided that if I napped, I wouldn’t sleep at night. I got up to find that he’d made dinner for Alice, Katie and himself but he didn’t make one for me or Josh. Today, I had a ten-minute sleep before he woke me to tell me that I needed to get up and watch the kids as he was going to the pub again.

I don’t know what I can do. I’ve even thought that I might book myself into a hotel to try and sleep without him disturbing me but I can’t risk it in case I do go into labour but at this rate, I don’t know how I will cope with labour given how exhausted I am. It seems to be a no-win situation, at least for me.

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