I am such a fool. I thought Tom was changing, I was wrong, he hasn’t changed at all. I feel sad so much of the time. The health visitor thinks I may have postnatal depression. Tom said, “You’re not depressed, if anyone is depressed around here it’s me, you’re just putting it on.”
Annie never stops crying, she always wants feeding or holding. Tom never stops shouting at me. I never stop crying. I want my old life back and I need to spend some time with my other children too. They have started sitting up in their bedrooms because they don’t want to hear Annie crying and they don’t want to hear Tom and I arguing, all we do lately is argue.
Tonight, I begged him not to go to the pub again. I pleaded with him to stay home and help me with Annie and the other children. He refused. He said, “You only have Annie to look after, the rest can see to themselves.” They’re 8, 10 and 16, Alice and Katie still need me even if Josh doesn’t.
Instead, I drove to see my sister, Izzy and her children and then I came home exhausted and spent the next few hours trying to get Annie to settle. By 11.30pm I gave up, got in bed with her and cried myself to sleep while Annie suckled on my breast and drained the last ounce of strength from me.