Just as I was starting to really believe things were changing, I’m now starting to worry that things with Tom are slipping again. Tonight, I popped out for an hour to take Josh to his judo class, when I got back I wanted to have a little bit of time to unwind but then Annie woke up. I asked Tom if he could see to her as I’d just like a few minutes to myself and he said, “You’ve just had an hour to yourself, it’s your fault if you wasted it by taking Josh to Judo.” I said nothing to him as he would only have told me he was joking and I don’t have the strength left anymore to fight him.
I feel as if he’s constantly trying to change me. If we have steak he cooks it the way he likes it and says if I just eat it I’ll grow to love it. If I set my car settings to how I like them, he changes them because he thinks they’re better his way. He tells me to do everything his way because it’s better. He tells the kids that he’s always right, again disguised as a joke and he’s always saying to me, “Knowledge is power and you know nothing.”
I feel as if I am losing my identity. I used to be the life and soul of the party, always having fun and laughing. Now, I’m a shadow of my former self and my family are starting to notice. I have no confidence to be myself out of fear that he will belittle me and make me feel stupid. I tend not to have opinions anymore as he just ignores them or tells me I’m talking shit. Very often, I’ll be speaking to him and he won’t answer me. Thinking he hasn’t heard I’ll repeat it, to which he’ll tell me that he heard and didn’t answer me as what I said didn’t warrant an answer as I was just talking crap.
I feel like he controls every aspect of my life. I have no access to any money and have to ask him for money each time I need it, he often just hands me £20 while he has thousands at his disposal. What money I get from him always goes on food or a small amount on petrol but nothing much else. He’ll go shopping with me and buy himself things, such as new clothes but if I want anything for myself I have to ask for extra money and I hate doing that because he always makes a big deal out of it saying I only want him for his money. I’m having to pay for his 40th birthday celebrations out of the kids’ child benefit. I shouldn’t have done that.
Not only have I lost my identity but I’ve lost any independence I ever had too. I have nothing in this world except for a couple of worthless possessions while he has everything. The worst part is that I cling to the moments when he is good to me like he has been in recent weeks. I’m constantly doing things to gain his love in the hope that he’ll stop the nasty comments and be nice to me all of the time and not just a little bit of the time. I look at my friends who are in good relationships and I want what they have but I still want it with Tom, despite everything. I think I need my head seeing to. I accept I can’t change him but I also can’t live on this roller-coaster forever.