It started again this morning – the name-calling and being nasty to me. This time I snapped. I told him that I couldn’t take much more of it, that I’ve told him before that I hate it and asked him why, if he loves me, does he continue to do something that he knows hurts me. He told me I was paranoid and then he went into a rage. He always does this, the screaming and shouting, blaming me for getting him mad. I said I wasn’t going to sit there and listen to him losing it again and went to walk out of the room. He got right in my face, backed me into the corner of the room so I couldn’t move, screamed at me to get out and then shouted at me, “YOU’RE A THICK CUNT!” over and over and over again. Something inside of me snapped this time, it’s never happened before in all of my life. I punched him.
I feel so ashamed of myself. Never in my life have I hit anyone and I’m so ashamed that I’ve allowed him to push me that far, that I’ve stooped to his level. Lower than his level but I just didn’t know what else to do. I felt so trapped and so threatened. He told me that I am a nutcase and need to see a psychiatrist. I don’t know where to go from here. I know it won’t get better but I also know that in a few days we’ll slowly slip back to a happier normal and the cycle will continue, partly because I don’t have what it takes to leave and in part because I still love him. If I didn’t have such strong feelings for him I know I’d be able to go.
I hate the fact that over the years I’ve gone from being a strong, independent woman to this meek victim that doesn’t really know if this is him in the wrong or if this is me. Maybe I am mentally ill and overreacting to things? I definitely over-reacted today by hitting him. I’m not ready to leave him though and that’s the problem. I’m desperately clinging on to any hope I have, the slightest glimmer of it. I don’t want to be a single parent, I don’t want my kids to grow up without a Dad or father figure, in the case of the older children, and I don’t want the embarrassment of yet another failed relationship, I’ve already had two of those. Above all, I love him. However, I am wise enough to know that love isn’t enough.