Is It Me?

Yesterday I woke up feeling really strong and positive. I decided I wasn’t taking his crap any longer and never again would I ask him for money. So, when I needed to go and get some shopping I just said, “Where’s the bank card, I’m going to get food.” It still didn’t quite go to plan as he had over £200 in his pocket and asked me how much I wanted so I just said I have a load of shopping to get and to give me whatever. He gave me £180, I spent £50 but didn’t give the change back straight away as I normally do. He eventually asked if I’d spent it all. When I said no, he said I had to give him the rest of it back.

We haven’t spoken properly since Saturday and today my strength has faded. I’m having niggly doubts that maybe he’s right, that I am over-reacting to everything he says. What if he’s not that bad and it is all in my head?

My sister, Sasha said recently that I am half the person I used to be before meeting him, that I have no confidence anymore, that I’m like a different person. What I have decided is that I will try my hardest to remain strong, to never ask him for money again, to confront him EVERY time he insults me, to tell him it stops or I’m done with it all. I think it’s going to get worse rather than better but at least then I’ll have my questions answered. He’s really fucked up my mind and I don’t know what the truth is anymore. Could this actually be me with the problem and not him?

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