It was Christmas day today, Annie’s first. It was also the first time in a very long time that Tom and I had sex. He’s been rejecting my kisses and cuddles for months now. If I try to talk to him about our lack of sex life he tries to avoid the conversation or says it’s all I care about. I’ve tried telling him that it’s about the emotional connection between us rather than the physical and usually he says that he doesn’t want to have sex with me but tonight, something was different and he did want to.
Maybe he doesn’t usually want to because my body has changed or because my breasts are still full of milk but I can’t change that because my breasts are still acting as my safety net for keeping him from taking Annie. Whatever the reason for the change tonight, it was so good to feel a connection with him again instead of being refused and told that he’d rather sort himself out than have sex with me. It’s these little moments of hope that I will cling onto as this year ends and I’ll hope that there’s a lot more of them next year.