Tom actually agreed to go out with me tonight, just me and him. Whenever I’ve asked him before he’s refused to go because he doesn’t want to leave Annie with babysitters or because he thinks he’d be bored with just my company. I was so excited when he agreed and I allowed myself to imagine that the evening would be a really good one. We haven’t had any time together as a couple since before Annie was born eleven months ago.
We decided to go to the cinema and see a film. We bought our tickets and then decided to have a drink in the pub next door as there was still lots of time before the start of the film. We ordered our drinks and sat down, then ordered another one. Tom spent the whole time watching the football on the telly and any attempts at conversation that I made were ignored. Eventually, he said, ‘I wish we hadn’t bothered with the cinema tickets, I’d rather stay here and have a few drinks.’
Despite that, we did go to the cinema and it was so lovely. I felt so close to him for the first time in ages. I cuddled into him and held his hand. When we got home I wanted so badly to end our evening by going to bed and really reconnecting. We haven’t had sex since Christmas and I really miss him but he came home, put his comfy clothes on and started cracking open the beers. When I suggested going to bed together he looked at me as if I’d asked him to kill someone. I went up to bed, cuddled into Annie and cried into her soft hair.
Why does he always reject me and make me feel like there’s something wrong with me for wanting to have sex with him? Can’t he see it’s not about the sex but about how it brings us closer together? That’s all I want, to feel closer to him, to feel that he loves me again.