Baby Steps

I’ve come down to earth with a bump today after a weekend away camping with the kids. I think Tom and I might be reaching our breaking point. Last weekend, when Tom went away for four days, I loved it. In fact, the day he was due back I was hoping he’d phone to say he was staying longer because I knew as soon as he got back, the bickering would start again and it did.

He didn’t want to come camping with me and the kids this weekend as he said he wanted to do DIY, to finish the bathroom, which so far has taken twelve weeks. I don’t know what he’s done all weekend as the bathroom isn’t any different. Yesterday he came to the campsite to help bring some stuff back, he left after just ninety minutes after refusing to go for a walk with us as he didn’t want to get stuck in traffic. When I got back home, he was outside chatting to a mate from down the pub, then he changed his top and said he was off for a drink. I said we’d just got home, that we hadn’t seen him all weekend and he could have gone to the pub Friday and Saturday nights while we were away but he said, “You know I like to go to the pub on a Sunday.” He never asked us how our weekend was and when he left he didn’t even say bye to the kids. They didn’t get a chance to tell him all about our weekend and how much fun we’d had.

To top it off when I went to search for something on Google, I typed in the first letter, P, and it brought up all the other stuff we’ve searched for starting with P. Porn tube was on there, not something we’ve ever looked for before so I went into the history and he’s been on several porn sites while I was away. I know it’s only porn and I don’t object to porn in a healthy relationship but we never have sex, it’s been almost six months since the last time as he claims he has no sex drive anymore and just isn’t interested. I think what he’s really saying is, he’s not interested in me. I’m so hurt and really can’t see how this is ever going to get any better when all he ever seems to do is think of himself.

The only good part of the day today was going to the park with Annie. The weather was gorgeous with sunshine and blue skies. While we were there, Annie stood up and confidently took five strong steps instead of her usual wobbly one-at-a-time steps.  I can’t help but think that maybe her strong steps are a message to me to do the same.

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