I have so much going on in my head at the moment, my stress levels are unbelievably high, I never ever relax, I always feel uptight and anxious and don’t know how to ease it.
I’m stressed about money. Like everyone else, there is never enough. Actually, that’s not quite true, there’s enough for bills and food but I feel like I never ever have any luxuries. All of my money goes on the essentials and then on anything the kids need and month after month goes by and I can’t ever afford to buy myself new clothes that I need or shoes or any little thing that comes up from time to time. I know I should be grateful that I can pay for what needs to be paid for but I’m fed up of going without all the time and would love to be able to walk into town and spend something on me for a change without worrying about who goes without instead. Funnily enough, Tom never goes without the things he needs or wants.
Annie is eighteen months old but she’s never slept through the night, she wants to breastfeed all day every day, she’s clingy and wants my attention all day long which I try hard to give but it means other areas suffer. I know I need to tackle the issues I have with her but I don’t have the energy to do so and so it goes on. I rarely go out without her because if I do, I get stressed and panicky that she’ll need me but really I know a break would do me good but I just can’t.
The housework is never-ending, we have a fairly big house, six of us live here and it feels like I’m the only one that does anything. I feel like I’m constantly picking up after everyone, constantly washing up, doing washing or tidying and all while I have Annie clinging to me because she wants to breastfeed, even though she doesn’t need to. I feel uptight when the house is messy because there’s so much to do and uptight when it’s tidy because I want to keep on top of it and nobody puts stuff away and it looks messy within minutes.
Things are really crap between Tom and I. This causes me no end of stress because I want desperately for us to be happy like we used to be and it just never ever seems to happen. There’s always something there to cause an argument. Either I’m annoyed with something or he is. Our sex life is non-existent, we don’t talk, we do very little together and I don’t know how to change things.
I know I said we have a fairly big house, but that’s the downstairs, the upstairs has three bedrooms and could really do with four. Annie is in with us still which is not helping anything and there’s no chance of that changing anytime soon. Every room needs decorating and there never seems to be the time or the money for it. I’m sick of looking at the state of it and would love to be able to do something but don’t see how I can. Tom never gets time to do anything and there’s no way I can with Annie demanding so much of my attention.
Finally, my social life is non-existent. I can go weeks without seeing anyone other than the kids and Tom which gives me more time to dwell on things and think too much which I know is half the problem but although I have friends, I rarely get together with them. I don’t feel that I can invite people around because Tom would probably complain. I’m sure if I had less thinking time, things wouldn’t seem as bad but it’s just not happening. I feel like I’m in a no-win situation at the moment. I wish there was some way of getting my head a bit clearer and being able to work out how to make positive changes.