Unimportant

I’m so mad at myself. Annie had me up so much on Sunday night and last night even more so. I felt as if I had about two hours sleep all night so today I’ve been shattered.

At half past eight tonight, I told Tom I was going up to bed. I got my book and settled down for a little bit of reading and to hopefully fall asleep, nose in the book, cosy and comfy in my nice warm bed. Tom came up at 9pm and asked to put the telly on and I said yes, knowing full well I meant no. I tried to read but couldn’t with the noise in the background and Tom laughing, so I went to get up. Tom said he’d turn it off and read instead but knowing that he loves the program he was watching, I said no and am now sat downstairs, cold and really annoyed with myself. Why can’t I and why don’t I put my needs first just for once, especially as he offered?

It’s not Tom’s fault, it’s mine for not being assertive enough. He’s just been down asking me to come back up, saying he’ll turn the telly off and still I said it was okay. But why is it okay? Why is it okay for me to put everyone else’s needs before my own? When and where did I learn that my needs should come last, or not at all? Why did I start to believe that I don’t matter?

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