A Difficult Decision

After twenty-nine months, I’m attempting to stop breastfeeding. I kept it going for so long partly because I didn’t want to rush Annie but also because I was scared to stop in case Tom carried out his threat to take her away from me. Annie feeds loads during the day and even more at night. I’m exhausted and have been getting to the point that I dread going to bed as I know as soon as I do she’ll be straight on my chest. We’re still co-sleeping which I love but it’s not very good for getting her off me all night long.

Last night, I went up to bed at 10.30 and she woke straight away asking for milk. I made a snap decision that it’s time to stop. A snap decision which was helped considerably by Tom screaming at her to shut the fuck up, then screaming at me because he’s tired and doesn’t need this shit. I took her downstairs for a little while as she was really unhappy, read her a story, told her that boobies are for babies who can’t eat food and that she’s a big girl now and doesn’t need them. I then had a really big cry with her and took her back up to bed where she curled into me and went to sleep, without a feed. She did wake in the night and latched on but I was too tired to do anything about it.

I feel a bit mean but I’m finding myself getting more and more frustrated when every time I sit down she’s asking for milk and pulling at my top to get to them. I think after twenty-nine months I’ve done enough. It’s not easy though, I feel very emotional about it today and I’m scared in case Tom does now try to take her but I can’t go on feeling this exhausted. I’m hoping it’s the right decision.

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