Why won’t Tom ever have sex with me? Am I that ugly? Is my body really that disgusting to look at? Is it because I’ve had four children and my stomach isn’t flat or because my breasts have been full of milk for the last two years? I know I’m a bit heavier than when we met, I know I don’t make quite as much effort as I used to but does he need to make me feel like some kind of freak for wanting to have a sexual relationship with him. Why can’t he understand that it’s much less about the physical act and so much more about the emotional connection we could have. Why do I repulse him so much? Why the fuck do I even still want any kind of connection with him?
He rejected me again tonight. I came downstairs and then got my camera out to try and prove to myself that I’m not the monster he makes me feel that I am. Instead, all I saw was the same mess that he sees and all I could do was hide my body and my face in shame. I am clearly undesirable and unattractive. He was right all along.