Worthless

Looking back, I can see that I’ve always put everyone else’s needs before my own but I always saw it as that was what made me a good mum, wife, sister, daughter and friend but I’m starting to feel like a complete fool. For example, last year on my birthday, Tom went out to the pub. This year I thought it would be different, especially when he asked me what I’d like for my birthday. I said I’d really like a night away with him, just the two of us. I explained that I haven’t had a break at all since Annie was born and that I’d do anything to spend time with him alone, so we can try and re-connect and work on our relationship one last time. I said I’d like nothing more than just time with him, in a nice relaxing, quiet, country hotel where, for twenty-four hours it would all be about us, peace and quiet. He said I could have anything else but not that as he didn’t want to spend time with me.

Last Friday, Tom said he wanted to go back home to see his family before Christmas, obviously, that meant this week as next week is far too close to Christmas. I should have said no and that he could go after Christmas, instead I said yes, said it was no problem, we’d be fine. What this means is that I’ve had to take Annie with me every day to do the Christmas shopping, he could have had her or helped if he’d been home, although he probably wouldn’t have anyway. I’m having to do all of the evenings out this week alone, taking all the kids with me. (Tuesday and Wednesday was Alice’s school concert, Thursday Katie’s disco, Saturday Alice has a party to go to.) It also means I don’t get to go out tonight with my friends as arranged and the opportunity probably won’t come up again for ages. I will also spend my birthday on Saturday alone with the kids, running them to parties.

Tom, on the other hand, is having a whale of a time back home, out every night, relaxing day times and lunch with friends and I’m so annoyed with myself for putting his needs before my own again. No wonder he abuses my generosity. To top it off, it’s his birthday tomorrow, we gave him presents before he went away and I’ve booked for him and his sister to have an hour each in a floatation tank at a cost of seventy-five pounds each which I had to save up for, for ages and I’ve just found out that he gave Alice twenty pounds to get me something in time for my birthday on Saturday. Twenty pounds makes me feel so worthless. I know it’s not about the amount but when he spends so much on his own pleasure all of the time, it does come down to money a bit.

I’m pretty certain that also means we won’t be having a nice relaxing weekend together either. I know I bring this all on myself but how the hell do I change it?

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