Getting Physical

Tom and I rarely have sex but last night we did for the first time in a very very long time but it wasn’t what I wanted it to be at all. It didn’t connect us, in fact when we’d finished he said just about the cruellest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said that the only reason he had sex with me was because while he’d been out at the pub, he’d seen some women wearing short skirts who looked really sexy and it had made him horny. He said that he thought about them when he was fucking me. He even showed me a photo he’d taken of them. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so shit in my entire life. Am I really that vile that he can’t get turned on by me?

This morning, he came downstairs and asked me how many orgasms I’d had last night. I tried not answering him but he went on and on, although it was fairly lighthearted at that point. Eventually, I said sarcastically, ‘Ah, you know, about thirty!’ He then went very serious and said I couldn’t say or do anything to him today as I’d enjoyed it more than he had.

Over the course of the morning he then made references to the supposed orgasms and each time, he pushed me. The final time he pushed me in the back of my head quite hard, knocking me forward. I wasn’t hurt, but it was a fairly forceful shove. After the head push, I snapped at him and told him to stop pushing me around, which he did, but he tried to make out it was nothing and I was being oversensitive, as usual. Pushing constitutes physical abuse. It’s starting. There’s no way he has it in him to stop now, he doesn’t think he does anything wrong. He thinks all the problems in our relationship are because of me, that I’m insane and need to get help.

Men like him do not take responsibility for the abuse.

If they did, they wouldn’t be abusive in the first place. I do know he’ll never change but the odd day or two when he’s on his best behaviour is what fools me into thinking it can work, I live for those days. Still.

I’ve known for a long time that I need to do something but he always turns on the charm and I’m stupid enough to believe him, plus I have so many fears about making that final once and for all decision, that I keep putting it off. I’ve even started taking the blame for everything and was stupid enough to tell him things were my fault recently, therefore giving him even more power. I do know, in all seriousness, that this will never be the relationship I want and deserve but I really don’t know why I can’t find that ‘thing’ within me to make the move.

One thing I do know from all my hours of research on abuse, once a man starts to become violent it doesn’t stop. It gets worse each time. Quite often it starts with a push. I have to get the kids out. I have to get myself out. I should have done it when he assaulted Josh. I will probably never forgive myself for not doing that.

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