Fears

I really can’t take any more of this and will be doing everything in my power to get out in the next few months. I really hope and pray that I have the strength to do so. I’ve put up with his shit for long enough. I am so sick of the mental cruelty, yet again I have been fighting back tears because of him.

Days after our last argument, the atmosphere is still awful, the kids must sense it and I’m tired of it. I just tried to talk to him, as I did yesterday, and he ignored me totally. He didn’t even acknowledge that I was speaking to him, or that I was even in the room. Finally, I got a response out of him, “When you stop talking down to me, I’ll discuss it with you“. I don’t talk down to him, I can’t even begin to imagine what would happen if I did.

We were supposed to be having my sister, Millie, and her family around for lunch today. Ninety minutes before they were due to arrive the house was still a tip, no-one was dressed and I was trying to prepare food ready to eat at 1pm. Tom then walked into the kitchen and started making himself a dinner. He cooked sausages, mash potatoes, peas, mushrooms and gravy so obviously by the time everyone was due to eat, he wouldn’t be hungry. How bloody rude can he be? Why would he do that? He’s known for days that they were coming over at 1pm today. In the end, Millie cancelled as the kids were ill but I dread to think how awkward it would have been if they’d come around.

If I could leave right this minute, I would. Instead, I’m going to end up fighting back tears again all day. I literally have nowhere to go and no money to do anything with. I possibly have enough money in my account to stay in a hotel for two days but then I ‘d have to come back here, tail between my legs, as I’d have nothing. Even if I went to a relative, I’d still have to come back as no-one has the room to put us all up for more than a day or so. I really don’t see the point unless I’m going to go and stay gone.

My worst fear about leaving though is messing the kids up. I know that this is probably messing them up too but at least they have a nice home in a good area. However, I’m not going to let that fear hold me back anymore. I’m going to speak to my parents and see if, between them, they can lend me enough money to leave him. I’ll be forever in debt but I now know it’ll be better than this.

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