Desperate Measures

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. I am surrounded by my family and yet I’ve never felt as empty as I do right now.

Tom went upstairs to bed at 8.30pm to watch telly as he wanted to relax and cuddle up with Annie rather than spend time with me. He told me that he goes up to bed early to get away from me. He is within my physical reach but I know, emotionally he is totally shut down to me. He isn’t interested in anything I have to offer him any more.

He doesn’t want to spend time with me at home, he doesn’t want to spend time together out. We no longer share a bed, we don’t kiss, cuddle or even attempt to touch each other. I feel so worthless, pathetic, rejected. Maybe he feels the same? I don’t know, we don’t talk.

Unable to bear the emptiness any longer, I got in my car tonight and I drove. I don’t know where I ended up, I couldn’t see through my tears. I drove until I had a moment of madness that scared me. I was taken over by alien thoughts of, “Drive really fast.”
“Aim for a bridge, a wall, a tree.”
“Smash into it.”
“You’re fucking worthless, kill yourself.”

At that point, I just wanted an end to the searing pain ripping through my heart, to put a stop to the loneliness, the anguish, the heartache and the constant longing for our lost love.

Why doesn’t he love me anymore? What have I done for him to hate me so much? Why can’t he see that all I want, all I’ve ever wanted is his love?

The only thing that stopped me smashing myself into oblivion were my kids’ faces popping into my head. They need me. By destroying my life, I’d be destroying theirs. I can’t do that to them and so I made the choice to carry on existing with the constant pain, but tonight, it’s almost too much to bear. I fucking hate this. I want us back. I miss us. I’m fed up with hurting, tired of crying and I miss him uncontrollably. I don’t know what to do to fix this. I know I can’t anymore.

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