The counselling is really making me look at and question every aspect of my life. It’s forcing me to delve deeper than I’ve ever gone before into all areas. Today it was money, namely, Tom’s money.
I don’t feel that I’m entitled to it, that it’s wrong for me to ask. And then there’s my Dad’s money. I wasn’t entitled to Dad’s money, the money that I stole when I was fourteen. I must feel some element of guilt still although I thought not. I must find a way to pay it back. It was only £50 but it’s paid a higher price over the years.
I was the child that never asked and never got. My three sisters asked, pestered and begged for things constantly. One day, Dad got really cross with them for it. I hoped that he would notice me not asking or pestering but I don’t think he did. Could it be that I thought if I never asked, he’d love me for it? Did he? I didn’t ask or pester. He still gave to the others that did. He didn’t love me any more for not asking and I seem to have come to these conclusions. . . If I don’t ask, I will be loved; If I don’t ask, I also won’t get. If I don’t get that, I don’t get love either and so I stole money that I wasn’t entitled to, to try and gain the love that I wasn’t getting and probably didn’t feel entitled to. More or less exactly the same way I feel with Tom.
How do I heal this? Do I tell Dad? Apologise? Explain my deep need for his love, my Dad’s and Tom’s? If my Dad had loved me he’d have given me things too, surely? Can telling him really resolve anything?
I’m churning this around. I want the pieces to fit, for me to get it and for that to change the events now. I want money in my life. I am entitled to money in my life. I have and do work hard for it and it’s my right that I should, could, must have money. It will fulfil me in a sense that I’ve not known before and I want to experience it. It will enable me to be able to leave Tom, amongst other things. I have as much right to it as everyone else, whether I ask or not.
Am I entitled to Tom’s money? Am I entitled to the money that comes to this family? I do my share of the work. Do I want Tom’s money? No, actually, I don’t. I don’t want all of the strings that come with it.