I had another dream last night. My dreams lately are really interesting and are telling me a great deal. I feel as though little parts of the jigsaw are slowly falling into place. The only trouble is, is that it’s a thousand-piece jigsaw that I’ve only just started and I’m not even sure where all of the pieces are.
I’ve noticed something over the last couple of months. Whenever I see my mum, I feel different afterwards than I do before her visit. Take today for example. I felt relaxed, content, happy. I spent the day pottering around, writing my journal, checking a few websites, playing with Annie, just all lovely and chilled. Mum came around, just for forty minutes but within half an hour of her leaving I felt irritable, stressed, tired and unhappy. When she arrived, I was sat on the small sofa, Mum sat on the larger one. After a while, mum moved to the small sofa next to me, I felt really uncomfortable and noticed I’d folded my arms and adopted a really closed off position. I was worried that she may hug me, which I know is unlikely, yet still, it concerned me. It would be too weird.
I’m to-ing and fro-ing in my mind with who was the problem in my childhood. Who caused me to attract what I have in my life today, to be the way that I am. My instinct says Mum but I can’t deny that Dad played his part, but Mum’s presence was stronger, more influential. I’m wondering if it goes much deeper than this.
Tonight, I had a go at Katie for setting the alarm to 6am. Alice said it was too early, I took Alice’s side immediately and jumped on Katie. Why do I do it? She’s withdrawn and sad enough as it is without me adding to it. I really wanted to go and say sorry but I didn’t do it. I’m scared for Katie at the moment, she’s not a happy child at all and I’m so wrapped up in myself at the moment that I’m doing nothing about it. I simply cannot fail her. I have to find it in me somewhere to change things before it’s too late. I’m seriously concerned. She doesn’t eat properly, she sits up in her room most of the time, she fights against affection, she doesn’t smile enough and reading that back I can see she’s reflecting me, so maybe if I change, she will too? I want my happy girl again.
Second to all of that is seeing photos of an old school friend on Facebook, she doesn’t look any different from when we were in school. She’s so slim, whereas I have piled on the weight lately. My diet is appalling. A typical day’s food is Coco Pops, chocolate, popcorn, coke, pasta with cheese sauce, coke, chocolate, nothing for dinner other than more chocolate and coke. No wonder I’m depressed. No wonder Katie doesn’t eat properly. I know I’m comfort eating and I’m lazy. I take no exercise, I never have and I just eat. I’m now a size fourteen, I weigh about ten stone and my body is fat, wobbly and ugly. I actually despise it and yet I’m not sure I have the power to do anything about it but if I don’t, I’ll continue getting fatter, more depressed and my confidence will probably sink to an all-time low and it’s bad enough already. No wonder Tom stopped wanting sex with me, who could blame him.