In six days, I get the keys to my new house. I wish I could say I’m excited but I don’t really feel anything. This house is still nowhere near packed, I’ve done most of the bedroom, half of the older girls’ stuff, the utility room and kitchen and most of the dining room but still have so much to tackle and am running out of places to store boxes. Tom isn’t helping with anything. I don’t expect him to help pack but maybe just watching Annie instead of going to the gym would be nice.
In between packing, I’m trying to get out and buy everything we need for the new house, I still have all the official stuff to sort and to top it all off I can’t sleep at night and so have no energy for doing the jobs that need doing each day. Still, it won’t be long until I’ll be able to relax and start the next chapter of my life
I’m having to rely on Tom to move me. I can’t afford removals or van hire, he has a van and is not working at the moment so I am having to swallow my pride and ask him to help. The last thing I wanted to do was ask him for help but it’s just one more day before the end and I’ve come this far. . .
I am exhausted, in every way imaginable. Its that time of year when school is manic with shows, discos, new school meetings. I’m still trying to work when I can which is stupid as my heart isn’t in it at the moment and it shows in my work. Annie is going out of her mind with boredom as we’re in most days tidying, sorting and packing so I’m having to find time to entertain her too, she begged me today to take her to the park or a play area, so despite all that needs doing, I have to find time to do that with her tomorrow too.
Even though I keep asking Tom to do something with her, take her out for an hour to give her a break, he always finds some reason why he can’t, then he promptly has a sleep on the sofa or he goes to the gym.
I’ve asked my family to help me out but each time I ask they say they’re too busy. Sasha did say she’d help me in the new place but I need the help now, even if it’s just playing with Annie for a couple of hours. I feel so unsupported at what is one of the hardest times of my life.
It’s totally draining being around Tom and there’s no break. He’s hardly going to work at the moment so its almost twenty-four hours a day being in his company. Still, I’m trying to see the positive in this . . . him being here is a constant reminder of how bad it is and why my decision is the right one, had he been going to work every day I may have slipped as I have done in the past, thinking he’s not that bad, when in fact it’s me just living in a dream world.
On another positive note, I gave myself a kick up the bum this afternoon and tackled Josh’s room. He came home when I’d just started and did it with me so as disgusting as the room was with piles of smelly socks and crisp wrappers it was lovely to spend a couple of hours with him doing something together. Our relationship has borne the brunt over the Tom years so I’m looking forward to getting that back on track in the future.