Scared

It’s quite a journey that I went on to realise how scared I am.

It started by looking at some self-portraits by a photographer I really like, seeing how beautiful and sexy she is. Remembering how sexy I used to feel, such a long time ago.

Going to my bedroom and realising what a sexy room it is, the potential is there. Exploring in my mind, what it would be like for me to look sexy on the bed or against the wall or on the floor.

But . . . I have allowed myself to eat and gorge, ballooning to a rather large 10 stone 2.25 lbs, a size 14 and I don’t feel sexy at all. Gone is the fresh-faced, size 10, 8 stone 10lb sexy, flirty girl I used to be and in her place is a scared, overweight woman with bags under her eyes, bad skin, bad hair and a sadness that is all-encompassing and I’m scared because if I go back to being that flirty girl, who will I share it with? What will I do with it? What if I can’t trust myself? What if he finds me sexy again and I can’t resist him?

I am scared to be sexy.

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