Meeting Craig has been so good for me. We talk all the time and I really feel that for the first time in such a long time, it’s safe for me to really be myself. We talk about almost everything and I never feel that I have to hold back with him. The only thing we don’t discuss is how I feel about my body and sex. He knows that Tom rejected me for most of the time we were living together but I’ve never shared with him just how much that’s messed with my mind. He doesn’t know about the abuse, I’m not ready to share that with anyone yet.
I have met a group of women that are all in a similar boat to me. We met on a women’s forum where most people talk about their children or work or fashion but we all discovered that we’re single at the same time and a friendship has formed. We all live in different areas of the country and we all are struggling with various areas of life due to past relationships or current situations. The one thing we all seem to have in common is body issues. We’ve all talked about how we’re not body confident, some more so than others and we try and help each other feel better, but tonight I realised something. The only way to make myself feel better about the way I look is to see that my body is beautiful despite the droopier breasts, the fuller belly, the tired eyes, the wrinkles and Tom’s rejections. I also realised that there is no better way of doing that than with some self-portraits, so I set up the camera and I forced myself to find the beauty in me.
I may not be a model or even anywhere close to it, and I definitely don’t have the perfect body, but seeing the pictures showed me that I’m not as bad as I thought I was and I’m definitely not worthy of years of rejection. The pictures have shown me that mine and Tom’s lack of sex life and his constant rejection of me was not about me or my body. It was about him.