In Hiding

It’s been two weeks since Jeanie died. My devastation is beyond anything I’ve felt before. It has shaken me to my absolute core. I seem to be spending too much time in bed, feeling scared, more than anything else.

Jeanie was a light that shone so brightly. She quite literally lit up the room when she walked into it. She was kind and funny and genuine and just the most beautiful soul to walk this earth and yet she never told anyone about how she was feeling. She never felt able to share how desperate she felt until finally she took everything that she gave to this world, out of it. I loved Jeanie deeply, she was like a mother figure to me, so my pain really stems from a very selfish place because I hurt so much for not having her in my life now. Her presence was felt so much, by her kind thoughtful comments on Facebook and the love that just emanated from her every word and action.

Today, while going through my desk drawers, I came across a note she’d secretly written and then hid the last time she was here. My heart broke all over again. That was so her. Secret notes, words of love. She was such an caring, loving friend.

But as well as the grief and loss I’m feeling, I’m also experiencing a great fear and it’s taking over me at the moment. It washes over me like waves that I can barely hold my head above and I’m scared it might take me under too, because if someone as wonderful as Jeanie can take her own life, someone that every single person that met her, loved, if she can do it, then that means Tom could do it and it even means that I could do it, and right now, it’s something that is so real for me, the fear that I could. That I would.

I’m hiding in my bed as I write this. I’m scared to go out, too afraid to see people, terrified to really confront my grief because by doing so I have to face the fact that I am feeling down enough to do something stupid and I just can’t face that one yet. I’m better off in the safety of my bed and my home, away from anyone that could say one more wrong thing and tip me over the edge.

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