Consumed

I don’t quite know what’s wrong or how to even begin to put my finger on what may be wrong, but whatever it is, it seems to be getting worse. It’s been building up for months and right now I feel totally overwhelmed with everything, to the point that I’m feeling panicky, breathless and light headed.

Yesterday, I took Annie out on her bike. I was so aware of it being just me and Annie again. Annie was so good but every now and then she wouldn’t listen or would ride too fast and I’d feel an adrenaline surge, my heart race and a panic set in.

Today is no better, I’m so tired, not helped by another late night. I keep looking at the drawer full of paperwork that needs my attention and I feel it again. I look at everything I need to do in the house and it’s there. I think of the kids being home for the Easter holidays and how I should do stuff with them and I get breathless, I don’t know what to do with them, I haven’t the energy to do anything and I just want to sit on the sofa with my laptop, playing stupid meaningless card games and flicking between Facebook and other websites to just while away the time.

I can see that writing this down it all looks like depression or anxiety but I don’t even want to contemplate that. As soon as I give in to anything it’s going to consume me and then what will I do?
The fact is though, if the offer was there to stay in bed doing nothing every day, at the moment, I’d take it.

I think I must be feeling this way because of an accumulation of years and years worth of events that have built up; Tom, the abuse, Jeanie dying, and I’m starting to buckle under the strain. It was so much easier when I was with Tom, now I’m alone I have nothing to focus on but me. Going back to life with Tom is almost easier than living with this, at least I wouldn’t be alone and totally unsupported in everything that I do.

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