Ugly

My weekend in Ireland was a mixed bag of laughter and insecurity. It was great to spend a weekend with friends, we laughed hysterically throughout the whole weekend, we partied until the sun came up, we shopped and we talked lots but one of the women, who I only really knew online, reminded me so much of Tom. It was surreal how alike they are and I felt quite intimidated by her the whole weekend.

On the Saturday night we went to a club. Before I met Tom, when my self-confidence was high, I used to love a night out at pubs or clubs but this was different. I felt ugly, awkward and out of place. When one of my friends pulled a man aside and asked him to give me a kiss (for reasons I can no longer remember) he looked me up and down, pulled a face and said, “No thanks” then walked away. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. Years ago if that happened, I would have laughed and thought nothing of it, now it’s everything.

I can feel myself crashing again from yet another rejection.What is wrong with me? Maybe Tom was right. Maybe I am ugly, inside and out.

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