Two or three nights ago, I had a dream of a man being electrocuted in the bath. The thing that stood out for me most in the dream was the ending. The man had died and yet was also still alive but couldn’t feel anything and was numb to anyone’s touch, feeling or sensation. I hadn’t looked in depth at it but I knew it to mean that I am numb to certain things, that the feeling part of me has died, although still there in essence. Today, I really saw the truth of that.
Tom texted me asking me to come straight round, I knew something was wrong but felt calm. When I arrived, the front door was open which made me think maybe something was wrong with him, so I went in to find him in the garden. I knew then it was the rabbits. I went through to find one rabbit laid out on the grass, dead. The other rabbit was nowhere to be seen and Tom was frantically searching for him. We looked high and low to no avail. We had to come to the conclusion that something, a fox or a cat, had got in during the night, killed and taken him, and the other one had died of shock. He had some fur missing and a small amount of dried blood on him but nothing else. A few times I went over to the rabbit and stroked him, turned him over to have a look at him and almost will him back to life but the oddest thing is that I felt nothing. Not one thing. No sadness, no shock, just nothing. I felt totally numb, but also completely rational and in control.
We took the rabbit to local woodland to dispose of his body, still nothing. Of course, Tom cried on and off throughout the morning. I offered him a hug, which he gladly accepted and he cried into my hair and still, I felt nothing at all. The only time I had a slight wave of emotion was watching Tom in the garden four hours later, still looking for the missing rabbit but that sadness was about Tom’s grief, not the loss of the rabbits that I used to love.
What happened? I’ve become so cold and clinical, so unfeeling. Even now, sat alone in the privacy of my bedroom when I could cry or I could feel something without fear of anything, I feel nothing. I can look at the whole thing completely objectively and without emotion but that’s just not me. I’ve always felt everything, every feeling, every emotion. I prided myself on my empathetic qualities but they seem to have left.
I know Tom will be sat at home now having another cry over the rabbits and I want to feel some of that pain too, I should be feeling it, shouldn’t I? They were my rabbits too.
How do I start feeling again? Even Tom’s arms around me while I hugged him did nothing. It was almost as if nothing was actually touching my body. I could feel that I was hugging him but I couldn’t feel that he was hugging me back and I know this isn’t just about him. Hugging the kids holds no feeling anymore either and that can’t be right. Of course, I like it but it’s just a normal everyday occurrence that doesn’t make me feel anything other than the act itself.
For years and years, I would crave hugs or physical affection and it would feel so good but now I don’t even crave it and that’s the most worrying part.