Men

Such a lot has happened over the last couple of days. Tom was distraught about the rabbits dying and admitted that they were the last link to me and the kids and without them, he feels like he has nothing. He admitted that it’s his fault that they were killed as he never locked them up at night and then he finally admitted his part of the reason why our relationship failed. He said he was a shit partner and that he is prone to frustration and extreme self-criticism which makes him angry and unable to forgive himself and others. He said he is really depressed, cries all the time, is lonely as hell and can’t see things getting any better. So I offered him help in the form of cleaning and tidying his house for him, as it’s such a tip and looking at it must really get him down more. I have urged him to seek psychotherapy and he says he will. All weekend I was at his, cleaning the house. It’s not even halfway done yet.

Craig texted me yesterday, before I went to Tom’s, asking if I was free as he really needed a hug. I said I wasn’t and asked what was wrong and he said he can’t stop crying, that he never normally cries but feels so low and doesn’t even know why. He said, ‘Why are you the first person I want to see when something’s wrong?’ Today we spoke on chat and he said similar, that it’s always me he wants to talk to or see and asking what is it between us. I think he’s hinting at a lot more than I want. He said he thinks that I am amazing, that I am someone really special to him and that he’s told a couple of people that.

A few weeks ago I probably would have welcomed this but I’m having an, I’m in love with Tom, phase. I haven’t had one of those for a while so it’s sneaked up on me and caught me by surprise. How can you not feel something for a man that cries uncontrollably for 2 days because his rabbits died? A man that treats my children like his own and would do absolutely anything for them, but I’m trying desperately to remember what living with him was like and how much I struggled with that; how much I lost my identity, although that may not have actually been all his fault.

After I cleaned his house yesterday, he cooked me dinner and then I stayed the night. We didn’t share a bed or even a room but it was nice just being in his company. It felt very relaxed and normal and surely that’s not how it should feel with your ex? It certainly wouldn’t have felt that way with Greg or Danny, so I’m just at ‘I don’t know’.

I love the ease of communication between me and Craig, it’s very honest and open which is something me and Tom haven’t ever really had, there’s always been a barrier of rolled eyes there. I like the fun that Craig brings to my life. I am me, not just mum but I love the connection I have with Tom, the history we have shared, good and bad; the way he loves the children; the way he’s always there for me, but I can’t live without some fun and I will not lose my identity or independence again and that’s a risk I take with Tom. However, with Craig, I’m not willing to bring the kids into the equation. I don’t want to make my children live with a strange man and I don’t get the feeling that he’d be that loving around them, the way Tom is.

I’m making this sound as though I have to choose between the two, and in a way I do. They don’t need to know about my choice because it’s a mental choice. Which one do I give my thoughts to? Do I want stability and a historic connection that doesn’t really work or do I want fun and open communication? Actually I want both. Can I have fun and open communication with Tom? Can I have stability and a deep connection with Craig? My heart says Tom, over and over.

Yesterday I had a choice. Clean Tom’s house on what should have been my child free relaxing weekend or spend the time with Craig having a relaxed time, eating, drinking, maybe some sex. I chose the cleaning. I think that speaks volumes. Maybe what I’m really asking myself is, ‘How do I let Craig go?’ Will I risk losing the aspects of myself that have been awakened since meeting him? What if the fun dries up? What if Tom isn’t prepared to have any fun with me? What if Tom and I never talk the way Craig and I do? And why are both men in my life crying and depressed?

The only thing I know is that while I was at Tom’s I felt as though I was home, as soon as I came back here, I felt lost, isolated and empty again.

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