Rock Bottom

What do you do and where do you go when you just about reach rock bottom? It’s been creeping up on me gradually since the beginning of the year and if I’m not there yet, I’m really not far away from it.

I don’t want to live with the anger and pain that I feel inside of me all of the time.  I’m sick of feeling hurt and angry with almost everyone around me. The only people I really trust not to hurt me are my children, literally, they are the only people, out of all those billions of people in the world, just four of them that I trust won’t hurt me. Why does my mum not come into this group? Or my sisters? My Dad? Tom? Because every one of them has let me down and hurt me so much and now it’s really cutting deeply.

I’m tired of spending my life alone, emotionally alone. Where is my support? Who the fuck is on my side? Just for once it would be nice to know that someone cares enough to think about me but they fucking don’t. Since I left Tom, not one member of my family has even asked if I’m okay, they’ve definitely not offered me support through one of the hardest times in my life. I have been totally alone throughout all of this. Tom said to me last weekend that how could he possibly have ever loved me as much as he does Annie, after all, she’s his daughter. That just about summed everything up about him and our relationship. I gave my all, everything I could give, I gave to him. He had my time, my love, my heart, my soul, most importantly my children and my fucking ova so he could have a child of his own and then he repaid me by abusing me and not loving me anymore because he didn’t need my love once he had Annie.

How can I possibly compete with my darling girl, and actually I don’t even want to. If he can’t see that having my love as well as a daughter is a good thing, then that’s his fucking loss, but mine too, because he broke my heart when he stopped loving me and started treating me like crap. How do you get over the man that you adore falling in love with someone else?

How do you recover when you lose the love of someone you always felt was your soul mate, and there’s no-one around to pick you back up. When every time you think you’re almost walking again, something or someone knocks you back down and you have to start all over again, but each time, the weight on your shoulders is heavier and heavier and those people that you think should be helping you, your own flesh and blood, are getting further and further away.

I am tired of being the only person in my life that supports me, I need help and someone else to give me a hand now and then. Why have all my family known that Tom was being abusive to me yet no-one ever offered me any love or support? Why, when I finally find the strength to leave him do I then spend the next 18 months totally alone?

Right now, the only thing I feel like doing is packing up all our stuff and moving far away from everyone. I want nothing to do with them. If they can’t see beyond their own selfish lives then I don’t want to be a part of it but I can’t because I can’t do that to the kids so I have to stay. One thing’s for sure, things have to change. I need to put an end to all the ‘relationships’  that are hurting me.

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