At my counselling session today Sam gave me a set of Russian Dolls and asked me to take them home and work with them. She wanted me to look at each layer and really feel what each layer represents in Tom. I did this exercise tonight. It was very painful and I really didn’t want to do it.
There were seven dolls in total.
Doll 1 – the ‘doll’ that everyone sees, the face Tom shows to the outside world ~ Happy, funny, friendly, helpful, generous, caring intelligent, kind-hearted.
Doll 2 – Darker, moody, snappy, very little patience, low tolerance, lazy, judgemental, non-forgiving. (Tom never really moaned about things that I did other than me being moody and miserable but turned my complaints about him into me being a negative person.)
Doll 3 – Weak, controlling, spiteful, nasty, abusive, lonely, lost, sad, hurt. (It’s the lost, sad and hurt in him that keeps me there.)
Doll 4 – Empty, hard, bitter, angry, in pain, has to have everything his way all of the time.
Doll 5 – Pathetic, needy and insignificant.
Doll 6 – He’s like my parents. They are liars, very convincing ones. I have always believed every word they say, it wouldn’t have even entered my mind to doubt them. Such was my trust in them.
Doll 7 – Liar. LIAR. LIAR.
Sam said to me during our session that this was a very important exercise for me to do because she feels that I don’t actually love Tom anymore. She thinks I am just stuck in the habit of thinking I love him and if I can see him for who he actually is then I will be able to break that habit. I think she might just be right after doing this exercise. How can I possibly love someone I haven’t really said one nice thing about?
This exercise has also made me see that my parents are exactly like Tom and like Tom, they trick me into believing they’re nice and kind by switching quickly between modes, so quick I barely have time to notice, so quickly it serves the purpose of fooling my mind into thinking I am the one with the problem.
My parents are everything I have described Tom as, they are so so alike and when any of them has insulted, belittled, put down, neglected or abused in some way, they’ve also instantly turned that to smiling or laughing or passing it off as a joke. My entire life I have had this from one or the other, my entire life has been spent feeling one thing and then being told what I’m feeling is wrong, that they know better than what I feel. They have taught me that I can’t trust my feelings because they’re wrong and yet all along it was them and their behaviour that was wrong, and my feelings were always right.
This is the ultimate in abuse. It’s not the nasty words, the name calling, the violence in the voice or anything else you can think of, it’s telling someone that what they FEEL is wrong. Not one person in this world can ever do that. I am the only person that feels what I feel, and my feelings are never wrong. They are my intuition and it has always been denied by me because I’ve been taught to deny it. Well, no more. Not by any of them and not by anyone else. Isn’t this the whole purpose of my blog ~ finding and becoming MY truth.