It’s New Year’s Eve. Tom was supposed to be staying here the night, to see the New Year in with me and the kids but instead he’s at his house and I’m at mine and it’s because I chose it. I decided that and I made it happen.
I remember my Dad saying to me one year, ‘Who you spend new year’s eve with and what you do, determines who and what for the following year’ and that was ringing in my head the last few days. I don’t want to spend another year of my life with Tom in it. I want to move on, not just physically but emotionally and mentally. I want to hold on to the fond memories I have of who we were in the beginning and the love I felt for him then, but let go of everything else, including him now. It’s time to let go. As the year ends so does my need to hold on to the past and hopefully, by letting him go I’ll be helping us both to move on, in whatever way life allows it.
So tonight, I saw 2012 in with Alice and Katie, a ton of chocolate, crisps and coke and hour upon hour of Glee on DVD and honestly, I can’t think of any other way I’d rather have spent it, although having Josh and Annie there too would have really made it perfect but Josh really doesn’t want to sit in with his mum and sisters watching Glee and Annie spent the night at Tom’s.
We sang and laughed our way through the night, we danced to some of the songs on Glee and then once the girls went up to bed, I had a few minutes alone to mourn one final time for the love I had felt for Tom but also to feel grateful for it once being in my life and for everything I learned from it, good and bad.
On this day last year, I said a very sad farewell to Jeanie after she committed suicide and really throughout the whole of 2011 it seems to have been about slowly learning to let go and say goodbye to those I have once loved, tonight it ends. Tomorrow is a new day, a new year and I really hope it’s a year of hellos and happiness. I think I’ve earned it.