I’ve told Phil about Tom. I’ve just spent the entire morning getting it all out an email so he knows some of what went on, what he has to deal with and how it still affects me. I’ve been having some really major fears coming up. What if I’m wrong about Phil and he turns out like Tom too? What if I get hurt even more than last time? What if? What if? In the end, I thought, just take a chance and trust him. If he breaks my trust somewhere down the line, I’ll deal with it. I’m better equipped emotionally now to deal with any shit that might come my way. Sadly, this means my outer shell is harder to crack, it will take a long while for him to really get inside but this is a necessary thing for me until I feel really safe.
It was so hard writing the email, reliving so much of the past but sometimes the only way to have a future is to relive the past, just a little, to let someone in enough to understand. It’s a risk but it felt right, I really hope my instincts are right. I cried really painful tears writing that email, I never want to feel that way again, but the tears weren’t a bad thing. Through them I realised that they weren’t as painful as before, that I was crying over something I have every right to cry over anytime I want to, but that despite my tears I am okay.
I re-read a lot of my entries from here and just cannot believe how my mind tricked me so much. How one minute I could see the truth and then in the next entry I was taking all responsibility, allowing myself to be held responsible and accountable for what happened between Tom and I. Allowing him to get off scot-free. I am so happy to be in a better place now, so glad I finally saw the truth ~ that Tom was abusive, he was unkind and he didn’t really love me but that also I am responsible for my part too, but that part was not as big or as bad as his. I was not and am not to blame for how much he hurt me.
Maybe meeting Phil is about facing the truth about my past as much as it is about embracing the future. Maybe writing my email to him today is not only about letting him see who I am but allowing myself to really get to know me, intimately.