I met up with Phil last night, totally spontaneously. I was at home and child free. It was 10pm, I was in the bath texting him and drinking wine when I decided to get dressed, jump in a taxi and go see him. He didn’t want to at first as he said his flat was a mess and he wanted to put it off for a few months as he wanted to lose a bit of weight but I told him I was fine with both those things, which I was.

I am learning so much about myself just talking to him. I have already faced so much in the last three weeks that I’ve denied before. I’ve learned some lessons I didn’t even know I needed to learn as well as the ones I did. Last night taught me even more about myself and so much more about him.

I went to his flat, he met me at the door, grabbed me and kissed me before I even had a chance to look at him. It was a little surreal. When I did get to see him, I was disappointed to find that for me at least, there was no attraction whatsoever. He’d told me he needed to lose a bit of weight but he hadn’t told me he was morbidly obese. It was a shock but then something kicked in and although I didn’t want to take things any further with him as there really wasn’t any attraction whatsoever, I ignored that feeling and focused instead on the fact that if I walked away from him then, I would really hurt his feelings and confirm his deepest fear – that he was too fat for anyone to be attracted to him, something he’d told me previously but underplayed just how big he was. I was a little drunk, which helped and so when he led me into the bedroom, I followed without protest even though that was never my intention and not something I wanted to do so soon. Surprisingly, the sex was really good. Phil opened me up in those hours to things I’ve never known. In my mind, my body and my soul. He made me feel safe, held and cared for like nobody ever has before. He brought me to orgasm several times and it was all down to how he made me feel inside, rather than any physical act he was doing, although of course that helped.

This morning, I woke in a complete panic. Anxiety, like I’ve never known, gave me tight knots in my stomach, I felt sick and just wanted to go back to the comfort of my home. I sat up in bed, feeling overwhelmed and dying for the comfort of my own surroundings. And then Phil did something so unexpected. He sat up, held me and told me he’d get up and run me home straight away if that was what I wanted or I could lie down with him and talk it through with him just for a few minutes and so that’s what I did. It wasn’t easy but being held by him so tightly, being so cocooned within his soft body gave me a safeness I never knew was possible. I talked until the anxiety subsided and ended up staying there in his arms until 5pm when he ran me back home. Tonight, I feel so blessed to have him in my life, he is the most beautiful man I have ever known, regardless of his size or my attraction to him and regardless of any relationship we may or may not have in the future.

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