I don’t want a relationship. I’ve only been single for 19 months. Since I was 14 I’ve only been single for 2 years and 2 months in total. That’s 22 years I’ve spent in relationships and only just over 2 years that I haven’t. I am just not ready to give up on my dream of single life. I love that life is just about me and the kids. I really love getting to make all my own choices about everything I do. I am not ready to hand over every Saturday night and all day Sunday to a man and if things continue on like this with Phil, my free weekends with no kids are going to be the only time I can see Phil so while I’ll gain him, I will lose ‘my’ time and I simply don’t want that.
There are so many things I wanted to do and experience on my own even silly mundane things like waking up on a Sunday morning and cutting the grass. If I’m with Phil I can’t do that. I know I am more than entitled to set some of the rules here, to say I won’t see him one weekend because I’m doing my own thing but I want all my weekends for me. I’ve been starting to have a relationship with myself, I’ve been falling in love with me, and I want to spend more time with me. I don’t want anyone coming in and breaking me and me up.
Maybe I could spend some Saturday nights at Phil’s but go home by 10am on the Sunday and still get the day to myself? The thing is, I also want to sleep alone in my bed. I’ve fallen in love with my child-free weekends, of cooking myself a nice meal, doing my own thing on a Saturday night (although to be fair, I was starting to struggle with Saturday evenings on my own) going to bed when I want, waking the next morning when I’m ready, staying in bed to read, nap, eat, go on the laptop, getting up for a walk, having a long bath, watching girly films, doing my family tree. There just is so much going for it and I don’t think I’m ready to give that all up yet, in fact, I’m not sure I’m ready to give up any of it, not even once a month.