Powerless Once More

Tomorrow, Annie goes away for seven days with Tom. It will be the first time she’s been away from me for more than a night at a time. I really didn’t want to agree but I didn’t think it fair to deprive Tom and Annie time together and Tom’s family time with their grandchild, however, I had a lot of fears and reservations based on the fact that during my pregnancy he told me that once she was born he was going to take Annie to live with his family. Once she was born and I started breastfeeding, he would threaten to take her once she no longer needed my nourishment. It’s one of the reasons I fed her for almost two and a half years.

I knew though that I had to get over this, I had to trust him and allow him to do this. It has not been easy at all. Although Annie wants to go she still keeps crying leading up to it because she’s going to miss me and naturally, is a little scared about being away from me for so long, so imagine my reaction tonight when Tom came around to make the final arrangements and then made a ‘joke’ about not bringing her back once he’s got her there.

To say I went mental at him would be an understatement. Five years worth of fear came out in a backlash of anger and shouting. I ended it by saying that I would sleep on it and decide in the morning if he can actually take her or not, given his threat, joke or not. He said he didn’t actually mean it and said he was only joking, I replied, “It’s just not fucking funny.”

Once he’d gone home, Annie and I got in bed, curled up together and watched Mamma Mia until she fell asleep in my arms. I wept into her hair, petrified that his joke may not be a joke after all. The thing is though, I have to let her go. She isn’t just mine to hold on to and I have to put all my faith and trust in a man that I just don’t trust enough. This is going to be a very tough week. I hate the way he still has so much power and control over my emotions and my life.

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