Yesterday evening was spent round at Phil’s being treated to dinner and drinks. It was nice but this morning, I woke and I realised that every single time I see Phil, I drink to the point of being drunk and yet that’s not something that I ever do when I’m at home alone. I’ve never been a big drinker but literally every time I see Phil, I drink to excess. I can’t relax until I’ve had a couple and if I’m brutally honest, I need the alcohol to help me slip on the rose tinted glasses to find him physically attractive. I hate myself for saying that, I never thought I was that shallow but I obviously am.
There’s so much to love about Phil – his tenderness, kindness, warmth, his understanding nature, calmness and sense of fun and yet the one stumbling block that I find myself at over and over is his weight and so I drink until I reach the point of not caring just so I can give him what he deserves and love him back in return. I wish I could fall in love with everything about him and just accept him as he is but I can’t and I don’t know why.