Phil and I went out for dinner last night and then back to his for some drinks. I stayed over, laid in his arms and he held me tight as I poured out my heart to him about Tom and everything that’s gone on with us lately. He soothed my soul and gently put together all the fragments of brokenness that resides within me and by the end of it, I felt loved and cared for like never before.
Today, once back at home without it, I suddenly realised that Phil has become my emotional crutch and my counsellor. I go to him, pour out all my pain and he heals me as much as is possible. He makes me feel so loved and treasured. I feel valued in a way I never have been before and that confuses me because feeling loved in this deep, unconditional way is profoundly satisfying to my greatest needs – he’s the embodiment of a good man and yet I know that it’s not fair or right for him to be ‘counselling’ me in this way. My healing needs to come from within, not from him, especially when my feelings for him are so conflicted. I feel as though I am unintentionally using him and he’s too good a man for that and yet, very selfishly, I just cannot give him up. I just wish I loved and accepted him fully as he does with me. What I wouldn’t do to be able to do that but it evades me constantly, much to my dismay.