A Slow Death

I wish Tom would take the knife that he’s been twisting, year after year after year, and just plunge it deep into my heart and rip it out for good, quickly and relatively painlessly rather than this ongoing torturous nightmare I’ve endured for so long. I am tired. I am tired of fighting him. Tired of crying. Tired of him winning time and time again. Tired of the bullying. I want it to stop but I don’t know where the off button is.

Two years and forty days after leaving him and it still goes on and on and on. Still my fear of him persists. The stress, the anxiety, all a daily occurrence. I can’t cope with this much longer. Something has to give. I fear that give could be me. My spirit feels as though it is breaking. My soul is tired, my body aching, my mind exhausted. How can I fight when almost all of my strength has gone?

It’s non-stop, relentless. When life, my life, doesn’t go the way he thinks it should, he steps in to remind me of this. He doesn’t want Phil involved in Annie’s life because he’s scared she’ll love Phil more than him. He’s a weak, spineless, scared man and yet still, knowing that, he defeats me, beats me, and weakens me to tears every single time. Weakens me to back down, allowing him to talk down to me, treat me and the kids like crap, talk down to Alice and Josh, upset Annie.

I just want to run far away where he can’t find us. This mental torture is obscene. If he hit me or was in any way physically violent I could have him removed from my life but being emotionally violent means nothing – I just have to endure it until I find a way to conquer it. I can only hope that doesn’t come too late and we don’t all pay too high a price.

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