I recently read The Five Love Languages, within three chapters I finally understood my relationship history, what made some relationships work for as long as they did and why they had ultimately failed. I worked out that to feel loved I need physical touch and I need quality time with my partner. Those men that have hugged me and held my hand, spent quality time with me and invested in a physical relationship with me beyond the bedroom, have gone the distance. Those that haven’t, haven’t lasted very long at all.
Today I went to see my counsellor and we talked about my revelation. I told Sam about the men in my life; how Greg would cuddle me all night long and hold or touch me constantly and we spent so much quality time together, as a couple and as a family that I never once doubted that he loved me. That relationship lasted over ten years. Tom, on the other hand, barely touched me. He didn’t like kissing other than if it was a prerequisite for sex, hugs were few and far between and in the last year of our relationship, we didn’t even share a bed, as for quality time together, that was non-existent. And now, there’s Phil and like Greg, he touches me, kisses me and holds me every moment he possibly can and because of that, I feel deeply loved by him every moment of every day. We have beautiful moments of quality time together, sometimes doing nothing more than just talking for hours at a time but everything he does, leaves me in no doubt at all that he loves me deeply.
And so that, at least for me, is the key and another piece of the jigsaw of learning to understand myself and understanding my needs which surely, can only lead to a happier future, a future, that I’m learning from all my self-discovery and the work I’m doing on myself, that I’d would like to train to be a counsellor one day. The time isn’t right at the moment as I feel that I have far too much of my own healing to concentrate on first but in the future, that’s definitely going to be what I work towards. The more time I spend on myself, the more self-discovery I do and the more I process my thoughts, as difficult as that can be at times and as conflicting as they often are, I can see that I’m slowly making progress and that is leading me towards my future self – one doing exactly the same thing but for others, helping them on their path to becoming their true and best self.