Unlovable

I tried to end things with Phil today and then I discovered that he is the most wonderful man to walk this earth. Every time I see him, he surprises me in some way with his genuine character. I never believed a man like him existed and I suppose I’m still waiting for him to prove me right. He had the chance today and shocked me once again. I told him it was over, he asked me if was okay even though his heart was breaking. He is selfless beyond measure. He acted with nothing but patience, understanding, kindness and love. I know if I had stuck to my guns, he wouldn’t have tried to stop me, because he loves me enough to respect any decision I make but actually all it took was for him to hold me in his arms, talk to me and show me that he loved me enough to listen, even when I couldn’t find the words because I’ve never got the hang of talking about things, it’s just not something that I am able to do.

He asked me how I would feel if he wasn’t in my life. I said I didn’t know, then that I thought I’d be okay. I don’t think I would. I think if I’d walked away from him, I’d have moved on to someone else or convinced myself I could make it work with Tom, despite not thinking that for almost a year now, and then, if it hadn’t happened before, then I wouldn’t have realised how much I love and miss Phil.

So what was the issue that brought me to trying to end things today? The issue coming up is I really don’t think I am good enough for him. I don’t want Phil to see the real me and hate me because I’m not as nice as he is. I’m not as loving, or patient or understanding. I am selfish, I want everything my own way, I’m bossy, I want to be in control, I’m just not a very nice person no matter how much I try and tell myself otherwise. I don’t want Phil to see me vulnerable, to see the hurt that resides in me every minute of every day, I want him to think that I am the act that I put on; the funny, carefree spirit, not the sad, needy person I really am. The loneliness that drives me to invest everything I have into my kids so that they won’t stop loving me. The lies I have told him and convinced myself of.

That was what happened with Tom, he saw the real me and he pointed it out to me constantly. Inside I am ugly, twisted and unlovable. I am damaged to my core. I can’t cope with Phil being so brilliant, shining so brightly, because it only serves to highlight my dark side. Things were easier with Tom, his darker side was there too, I was able to tell myself what he’d done to wrong me, make me out to be the shining example of good, using his weaknesses. I can’t do that with Phil, I’m having to invent them. Phil’s soul is beautiful through and through and the worst I can find it that I’m not physically attracted to him or that he wears Star Wars trainers! That’s it. I have NOTHING I can fault him on, nothing at all.

This morning when he replied to me trying to end things, he said, ‘I will always love you for who and what you are, I wish you all so much happiness.’ I sobbed for an hour before falling into a restless sleep for thirty minutes. I sobbed because I realised how horrible I am. His kindness and decency and everything that he has going for him only serves to show how horrible I really am. I’m unkind to people, I’m rude, I lack patience and understanding. Did I sob for him or for me? Honestly, it was for me. That’s just how selfish I am.

I think now I have reached a crossroads. I can do one of two things. I have told Phil I am going to stay with him, I meant it, I want to. I can continue with my old pattern of not talking, of creating situations to fit into my beliefs and I can stop/start the relationship until he takes control of his life and stops it once and for all and I am heartbroken again, or I can stop this shit now, tell him everything, let him see my ugly side (which he’s had a glimpse of anyway by now) and open myself up to feeling vulnerable, scared and totally unsafe in a world I’ve never ventured into before because I know if I choose the latter, Phil will be there to protect me from myself, to love me unconditionally, to show me the way. I know what I want to do but I also know it will probably be the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I don’t know that it’s fair on Phil to put all this on him, or that I am strong enough to see it through. It would be much easier to stay alone in my house, seeing no-one, isolating myself as I have for the past two years, hiding the truth from everyone. Why do I not want Phil being around my kids? Because by seeing how great he is, they will all see how great I’m not. I’m lying to my kids as much as I am to everyone else and all for my own benefit.

If I can just find that courage though, it may just work. I can’t help feeling now, I was sent all these men into my life to mirror in me the negative qualities and when that failed, I’ve now been sent Phil to show me the hardest way, my true self and how I need to change. I just don’t know how. All I know when I’m with Phil is it feels good. I feel safe, loved, content but I also feel like I’m pulling the wool over his eyes.

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