Still

I’ve ended things with Phil. He tried to change my mind but I’m not backing down. I just don’t want to. Ending things with him has made me think once again about how things ended with Tom. It made me realise once again that I never did want to leave Tom. The days running up to leaving, I was praying that he would ask me to stay; to say we’d work it out; to tell me he loved me but he did none of those things. He just let me go.

The last three nights I have dreamt about Tom, it makes me miss him even more. Last night I dreamt he sincerely told me he loved me. It felt so good and so real. I wish, if he did still love me, he would tell me but then again, am I telling him? Am I telling him that he’s a part of me, intricately linked through our souls and no matter how much I try, and no matter what I do, I cannot stop loving him. I will love him endlessly, passionately, fiercely and with everything I possess until the day I die, and probably beyond. It, the love I feel for him, is far far bigger than I am. It owns me and controls me and I never want it to end because it feels so vast, so encompassing. I need to feel this to survive.

Yesterday at Annie’s swimming lesson I watched Tom catch sight of a woman that is exactly his type and the pain hit me. If he were to meet someone else and move on, I will be devastated, probably even more than the day I left him because that really will be the end, there will be no hope. I’m so so scared that’s going to happen. I’d love for us to have another chance, to try again and see if we can love each other. To see if I can control my moods, stop reacting to him, stop thinking the worst of a man that I adore and haven’t been able to stop loving since the day I met him.

Do I leave it alone and let him eventually move on or do I tell him what’s in my heart and risk hurting him once again? I know the answer and it hurts so much.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s