I’m going to be forty in ten months and it’s been on my mind a lot the last few days. Not because I’m worried about being older. It’s been on my mind because I realised that statistically speaking, this is half of my life gone and only half left at the most. I feel as though the first half was filled with stuff it shouldn’t have been filled with. I lacked the confidence to be myself and because of that I’ve been less happy than I could have been. I’ve allowed men in my life to do as they please with my emotions which led me to lots of pain and heartbreak.
I’ve been weighing up the men that have played a significant part in my life and rather than focusing on the reasons why it didn’t work, I thought about the reasons it did and what qualities I really liked in each man because although I try and convince myself I’m happier on my own, really, I never feel more content and whole than when I have a man in my life, sharing a home and our time together. I don’t really want to spend the rest of my life on my own, I would love to have a good man by my side but I’m so scared to dive into that pool again in case it all goes as wrong as it has with the other men. So far in my thirty-nine years, life has taught me that the men I allow into my life, let me down and treat me badly or are possessive and suffocating. If I could take the good parts of each man and bring them together to form a new man, maybe with some additional good parts I haven’t come across yet, then maybe I’d be willing to dip my toes back into the water.
Danny gave me passion. We were so young but we still had passion and amazing sex. He was my first kiss, my first love and my first lover.
Greg gave me affection. He also brought to the relationship DIY and housework skills. I’ll never underestimate a man that can do either, or both.
Tom gave me the opportunity to feel what it’s like to love someone. I worshipped the ground he walked on. I loved that he was happy and easy going and confident, good-looking, an alpha male that saw it as his job to look after me and the kids.
And Phil gave me true, unconditional love. He held me, physically and emotionally as I’ve been healing from the darkest time in my life. He gave me patience and understanding.
It’s all of these things I’d like in a man, one man, not separately in four men. I just don’t know if that’s possible and if I’m asking for far too much.