I’ve been missing Phil. Last week I craved for him. I needed his warmth, love and security. I needed to feel everything that he is and all that he offers me. I’ll admit I was having a really bad week but these last few days are better. I’m not having a shit time at all but I’m still missing and craving him. I miss the fun we had together, the ease we felt around each other. The physical contact, being held in his arms and being cradled against his chest. I still don’t like that he’s big. He’s overweight and I have a problem with it. I know this is my problem alone. There is a flip side to it though. I love the feel of his body, how it’s so warm next to mine, so soft, so yielding. It’s comforting. I just miss everything about him so much so that I texted him on Thursday. I needed to touch base with him, to connect. He was businesslike and unfriendly and I hated that but then he emailed me on Saturday to share a Youtube clip with me, a clip that fitted perfectly with a book I’d just a couple of hours before bought. He told me of his pain, how he feels as though the year we were together was a lie. He doesn’t know what is true and what isn’t. I cried when I replied because I realised how much I’ve destroyed what we had.
What did we have? What did I have? I had a man that loved me completely, totally, absolutely. He was patient, kind, non-judgemental, understanding, warm, considerate. He was everything I’ve ever longed for in a man except the outer wrapper. The only thing I didn’t find attractive about him was his weight and I found it so hard to see beyond that.
Today I looked at things more intently. I’m a woman that’s okay looking with an average body, deeply hurt my entire life, never had real support, abused and almost destroyed by Tom. I’ve spent two years alone then I met a man who is loving and patient and kind and understanding and everything that I’ve ever wanted in life but he’s not attractive to look at. He is, however, the best friend I’ve ever had and I was able to relax and be myself for the first time in my life around a man. Then I stopped seeing all that Phil is and only saw all that he’s not. I gave more time and consideration to Tom and I showed no empathy towards Phil. Eventually, I found an excuse to end the relationship with him, leaving him devastated.
Meanwhile, I got straight back onto dating sites and I threw myself at the first sexy man, Theo, to give me attention to prove to myself that I am attractive enough to attract a good looking man because I still don’t that believe I am. I slept with Theo and then I heard nothing from him again which I wasn’t even that bothered about because by then I knew that he found me sexy and that I could look good when I wanted to and my self-esteem was heightened, but I am alone and what really matters is that I have lost the best thing that ever came into my life all because I needed to know that I was attractive enough someone better looking than Phil.
I never tried to be sexy for Phil, I took for granted that I could slob out and make no effort because I thought that Phil never looked good for me. Really Phil was doing everything else and still working with what he had to look as good as he could. He sacrificed so much to be with me, he put his own needs and emotions last, he listened to me and healed me and then I left him and destroyed him by telling him I never loved him in the first place when really the only person I didn’t love, was myself.
Am I a bitch? No. I’m a person who’s had far too much damage to my spirit over far too many years and I don’t know the value of real love even when it’s right in my face. I wrongly assumed that Phil would hurt me too at some point and I couldn’t see that sometimes the things Phil was saying and doing was because he loved me so much and was so scared of losing me.
Will I ever be able to get over my issues about the way Phil looks? Will I throw away the best chance of happiness I’ve ever had? Will I spend the rest of my life thinking there is someone out there just as great as Phil is but with the looks too? Will I be alone for the rest of my life because I’m too fucking shallow to love in return the man that’s loved me regardless of everything?
I am the ugly one.
But what will my friends think? I can’t stand people’s judgements. It makes me think that I’m doing something wrong, that I’ve made a mistake and that makes me feel shit about myself. If anyone were to say to me again, ‘You can do better’ or ‘What are you doing with him?’ It would make me doubt myself, again. What if people think I am with him for an ulterior motive? People do judge if one partner looks better than the other? Actually, what if I don’t look better, I just think I do? I’m so full of myself. What do looks matter anyway? Was Theo good looking? Yes. Did he make me feel amazing and loved and respected and valued. No, he made me feel wanted sexually and that was it. Was Tom good looking? Yes. Did he treat me well, respect me, try and show me my worth, act with patience and kindness? Not at all. Never. He did exactly the opposite. The only thing he did right was to look nice! Why am I so hung up on a person’s looks? The way someone looks makes me blinded to anything else. Either I think they’re gorgeous on the outside and fail to see how ugly they are on the inside or they’re beautiful on the inside yet all I see is how they’re less than my idea of perfect on the outside. If all I really want is a good looking man, then I should go and get one but drop the rest of the list of wants because I can’t have it all. I can have a good looking man but he won’t look good in twenty years or I can have a man that is the most beautiful person in the world and will stay that way forever but maybe not on the outside.
How do I retrain myself to only see the beauty within? To see what really matters? How do I stop thinking the grass is greener? Phil is rare and precious and something that every single woman in the world wants and I hopefully have a chance to have him for the rest of my life but I need to make amends. I’m going to have to work really really hard to win back his trust and prove to him that I want him. It’s time to be patient and understanding with him, the way he has been with me. No more putting my own needs first, no more talking of my pain. It’s time to listen and not judge. It’s time to feel what he’s been going through and show him how sorry I am with true actions. No falsehoods, no lies. Only then do I have a chance to build a future with a real man.