Phil came around last night, he wanted to talk. I realised that it’s time to let go of the bullshit of loving with my heart and to start loving with my head. I told Phil that I’m worried as our relationship, at least for me, lacked that spark. It’s not that I didn’t love him, it’s that I only loved him with my head, because there’s no reason not to. It makes sense to love this man, it doesn’t make sense why I loved the others and so we’re giving it another go.
Surely head love is enough? Better?
Why then do I find myself thinking of the days I had singing lessons a few years ago when I learnt about singing with my head voice or my chest voice. Both had a place. The head voice was about getting the higher, softer, more delicate notes to add the feminine to the masculine but the chest voice was where all the power was. Neither was better, neither worse but you rarely did one without the other. To sing completely in your chest voice made a song all about a power struggle of sounds and words. To sing only in your head voice left the song feeling too delicate, as though it could break at any moment. The perfect song was a melodic, beautiful balance between the two, creating colour, light and shade. A delicate trickling of head notes weighed evenly alongside power and passion.
I don’t have both with Phil, no matter how much I practice and try and train myself to sing of balanced love; the chest, the heart, the power, the passion is missing. Will our song of only head notes be too delicate? Will it break at any moment without the strength of the heart?