Phil is annoying me so much. I’m sick of his bullshit, I don’t believe him. I don’t think he’s genuine, not anymore. I think he’s carved out this man to be who he thinks I want him to be because every now and then, the real him shows. My friend Katie sent me a message tonight asking how I was, we got chatting, I told her about my feelings towards Phil and she said, “You always seem much happier when you’re focusing on you and your own happiness. And as harsh as it sounds, Phil does seem to drain you a lot, emotionally. I’m sure he’s a lovely person, but that doesn’t mean he’s got to be the right person for you.“
And the thing is, she’s absolutely right. I haven’t been happy and I haven’t been myself since I was stupid enough to fool myself into thinking I missed and loved him. I am a fool. And then besides all of that, I am so angry with myself tonight for a totally unrelated thing.
It’s all been triggered by my friends, Karen and Lou who’ve been saying really nice things about me, and I’ve been questioning what it is they’re seeing that I’m not but I’m so scared to look at myself in that way in case I get too big for my boots and get big-headed (phrases that my mum always drummed into me as a child) so I live a life where I don’t live up to my potential at all. In all honesty, my potential scares the shit out of me and I don’t really know why. Deep down I feel like there’s something massive inside me trying to burst out and every day I squash it down. I’m scared of it. Sometimes I’m scared to face it because what I’m facing feels so big. I’m so so scared of how big it is, but I feel it all the time. I hate saying it because it sounds so conceited but I feel it, but really I don’t know if what it actually is, is that I’m just full of myself. I just don’t know. I know I feel something trying its hardest to get out and I am petrified of it, even though I know it’s a good thing. I don’t really believe in my own power, I’m hiding from it and I’m scared of it.