I’ve spent all day feeling angry again. I’m angry with Phil and I’m angry with someone I met recently and befriended but who has abused the friendship already, but most of all I’m angry with myself for allowing all this shit to happen in the first place. I’m so naive and I’m too trusting. I always see the best in people even when those people are treating me wrongly or disrespectfully and because of my ridiculous view of the world, I end up getting hurt and mistreated. This morning I woke to a text from Charlie, the person in question, he’d sent at midnight to say goodnight. I only gave him my phone number because we hit it off when we met at his workplace and he said if he had any jobs come up, he’d text me. This is totally inappropriate behaviour from a 61-year-old married man. I didn’t reply. He messaged me on Facebook and I took hours to reply, when I did he sent one back saying it was good to hear from me as he’d missed me. What the fuck is going on with this man? He’s met me once, he’s married, but most of all, I’m not fucking interested in him in the slightest, I was interested in his potential job offer. I’ve been giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he’s really friendly, maybe this, maybe that, but no matter what way you look at it, this isn’t right but instead of telling him this, because yet again, I don’t want to offend him or hurt his feelings, even though he’s offending me, I said nothing.
As for Phil, he just has to go, that’s it. I can’t go on like this. I want him out of my life. I’ve had passive-aggressive messages from him all day, all of which I’ve ignored. I’ve had it. I’m a fucking disaster when it comes to men. Every man in my life, excluding my son, has been an arse in some way or another. I really should have stuck with the promise I made myself three years ago when I said I would never have another relationship again. I attract the wrong kind of man and I allow their feelings to count a lot more than mine, then I quietly seethe. I hate myself for the way I bend over backwards for a man’s feelings. I hate it. It’s pathetic. I realised today that because of all the men that have let me down over the years, over my entire life, I have no trust in men whatsoever and for that reason, I need to stay single for the rest of my life. The alternative is going to be bending over backwards yet again and putting myself in the position of being treated like crap once again. I can’t do it anymore.