Admission 2013

I met up with my friend, Lou for lunch today. Lou started talking about her exes and then asked about Tom and why we split up. I told her briefly about how difficult things got. She said he seemed like a really nice, kind man. I said he was, that he had a heart of gold but that he seemed to be shit at having a gold heart when with me. I took no responsibility at all. Lou asked if I still loved him. I told her he is the love of my life. I said he is my soul mate and that I loved him since the moment I saw him and that I will love him until the day I die but that I would always have to love him now from a distance because we just never seemed to get it right because all we ever did was argue and get it so wrong. I told her I would go back to him in an instant if I thought things would be different, not factoring in at all, if he’d even want me back.

Tonight I laid in bed thinking about him. I sent him a message on Facebook about a voluntary position I’d seen that I thought he’d love, he didn’t read it for hours after. It made me start questioning why. It made me question if it was because he was with someone else? Out on a date? In love with someone else? I felt devastated just thinking about it. I would die inside if he ever dated anyone else, just the way he felt when I told him about Phil last year.

I must end things with Phil. I can’t go on living this lie. I will never feel for Phil a fraction of what I feel for Tom. I will never feel for anyone what I feel for Tom. I would rather live the rest of my life alone, single, loving Tom from a distance than to live a lie with someone else. I wish I could tell him how I felt but I can’t.

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