I went to hospital for a colposcopy this morning after my smear test revealed some mildly abnormal cells. It wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences. The Dr used a large microscope to look at my cervix after putting some dye on and around my cervix. From this, she confirmed I had a small area where the cells were showing some low grade changes and so she decided to do a biopsy. That hurt! It felt like a very sharp sting but really I was feeling a fragment of my cervix being removed. Once that was done she cauterised it, which again was uncomfortable before telling me it was all done and I could get dressed.
I dressed and went into her office. The Dr said that from what she could see my cervix didn’t look cancerous and that the biopsy would confirm this when I get the results in 4-6 weeks. I asked how she knew. She said that she can tell a cancerous cervix from how it looks, from her experience of seeing them all the time. While it was slightly reassuring, I won’t be happy until the biopsy results come back all clear. If they don’t, I have a long, hard journey ahead of me but hopefully, I won’t need to even worry about that.
I spent the rest of the day on the sofa in some discomfort, some from my cervix and some from period type cramps wishing that Tom was around to talk to but he was working all day. At 7pm he rang to see how Annie was but he didn’t ask how my colposcopy went. I feel really upset about this because sadly it means he doesn’t think about me and doesn’t remember something as important as this. Phil, on the other hand, texted me to ask how it went within two hours of my appointment. It’s not Phil I want remembering, it’s Tom and he just didn’t. No matter how much I love and miss Tom I have to learn to accept he doesn’t feel the same way about me.