Single 11 July 2013

My friend, Alex and I often have lengthy conversations about life, love, kids, everything. She has become a great sounding board and a wonderful mirror because quite often what she is experiencing, I am too, just in a slightly different way. She’s like having a counsellor but by living in the same way so I can see it better for myself than if someone told me.

Yesterday we had a conversation about the man she’s seeing. The relationship, on the surface, appears to be all about sex, but what Alex has discovered it is, is her having a teenage, easy going, fun relationship because she never had one of those in her teens. Alex went straight into a serious relationship and then marriage. I realised through talking to her that I am doing similar but my relationship is with myself. I need to be single now because I haven’t been single since I was 14. I know I was single from July 2010 to January 2012 but really I wasn’t because I was either wishing for Tom or flirting with Craig. I’ve never been single to just enjoy my time to do what I want and see who I want to see, friends, family, whoever.

Phil became a massive tie in my life, a bind to another life I didn’t want to have. He wanted a full on relationship which, if he’d had his way, would have quickly led to living together and marriage. I don’t want that in my life right now. I definitely don’t want it with Phil at any time. He is totally wrong for me. A relationship right now would be totally wrong for me. I know that now. I feel like I need at least another 3-5 years on my own before I’m ready to embark on dating again but now it’s not because I’m hurt, or still healing or too scared or anything other than I just need to be on my own, to be single, to experience what it’s really like to be single. To enjoy this time and to embrace it and all it brings with it. Anything is possible in this stage in my life, anything.

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