What If?

What If 2013

I went to Sasha’s today. She wanted to talk. This usually means she’s going through a rough patch with David ~ rough as in normal relationship boredom. I’ve talked to her about this on numerous occasions, offered to have the kids for a weekend so they can have some proper time together (which she’s never taken me up on) and told her this is normal, that she needs to talk to him, work out how to live with it how it is or change it together but this time it’s different. Sasha is about to embark on an affair with her best friend’s ex.

They’ve been flirting for weeks and she told me that she went to his house last night, they kissed and messed about a bit and she says she doesn’t feel bad about it at all as it felt right. I know she’s craving excitement and attention, don’t we all? I don’t know what to say to her, how to advise her. I don’t know that I can. I mean my track record isn’t exactly great and I no longer really believe in marriage or living together so it would be hypocritical of me to tell her to work on things with David when I believe in keeping the excitement alive by not living in each other’s pockets but to start an affair? I just don’t think it’s fair and I don’t think it’s going to lead her to the answer she’s looking for. I do think though, that if you’ve reached the point of cheating, then things are very drastically wrong but I still don’t know what the answer is.

I feel a whole range of emotions about this. I get where she’s coming from but I also understand that marriages have ups and downs, and boring bits and exciting bits. It’s ever changeable but I think you have to try and pull together during the downtimes, communicate, make more of an effort but it doesn’t sound as though either of them is and it doesn’t sound as though they really want to, certainly not Sasha, but David doesn’t sound as though he’s being a part of the team at the moment either.

I suppose what I’m feeling as well is jealousy, for two reasons. I certainly feel slightly envious that she’s in a relationship with a good man that she once adored and yet is able to attract the attention of another nice, good-looking man, whereas I’m single and eligible but attracting nothing, but then again, I’m really not ever putting out those kinds of vibes because I don’t even really feel that it’s something I want in my life right now. I also feel slightly envious of the fact she has a relationship that she has the chance to salvage, with some hard work, which of course, harks back to my failings with Tom. I still believe, when you find a love like that, like I had with Tom and Sasha had with David, you should do everything you can to keep it going, certainly don’t go kissing other men.

And yet, saying all that, and having spent a fair amount of time with Tom over the last two weeks, during the day, without the kids, I don’t actually feel as though I want to have a relationship with him so my envy doesn’t make a great deal of sense. I think really what it boils down to is that I don’t know enough about the real relationship between Sasha and David. I just see two people that always looks as though they get on and make each other happy. I don’t see the everyday crap, the boredom, the lack of sex, the niggles that happen when two people are working hard and are tired. All I’m seeing is an unrealistic view of their relationship. The rose-tinted glasses of another couple’s love affair.

When all’s said and done, no matter what way this goes, it’s none of my business. I will be there for Sasha and I will be there for David if he wants it, but I have to stop thinking that I need to offer advice and just let her find her own way in this. It’s not my place to tell her no, or to give her permission. It’s my job to listen and support her silently on this path of self-discovery because ultimately, that’s all it is. Finding herself. Getting to know herself and we all have to explore various pathways to be able to do that. Sticking to the same, well-trodden and trusted path may feel safe but may not teach you a great deal about who you are and what you really want from life.

Sasha’s confession and our subsequent conversation led me to think about going for the opportunities that come your way, even if they don’t appear to be right, and seeing where they take you. Maybe Sasha, despite possibly causing pain and sorrow to David, is doing the right thing, by effectively saying yes to the opportunity that’s been put on her path? So, do we listen to a lifetime of conditioning that tells us not to give in to temptation or do we do what feels right at any given moment, regardless of the consequences and just go for it? Trust it and see where it leads? Could this be part of the reason Phil came into my life? He was impulsive and just did whatever felt right at any given moment. The last time saw our relationship end but maybe that was right. Maybe, despite his pain, his going with the flow, trusting life and the opportunities put before him, took him onto a path of pain, but maybe that’s the right path for him, right now?

Am I brave enough to do what I’ve been thinking about doing for a long time and start embracing every opportunity that comes my way and see where fate wants my life to go? Am I brave enough to let go of all control and say yes to everything? What if Phil asks to meet up? What if Tom asks for sex? (Unlikely!) What if? What if? What if?

What if I don’t? That thought is much scarier. The thought of not letting go of control and therefore staying as I am is scarier than taking that chance and seeing where it leads. What if Sasha’s fling is leading her to something better? With the new man? With David? With someone else? With herself? I guess she’ll find out. And I guess she’ll find out much quicker than I will ever find any answers sat at home turning down all opportunities because I’m too scared to see where they might take me.

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