This evening, out of the blue, I missed Phil. I realised that although I don’t want to be with him, I do want to be doing things with him. The weekends away, the nights curled up in his arms. It started to rain and it made me miss him more because we both love the rain and a rainy evening indoors would have been so lovely. Although I don’t want a relationship with him, there are things I like and miss about him and I wish there was a way of having that in my life without having him in my life the way it was.
The girls and I decided to go for a walk in the rain. We went to the beach and I thought of the good times I’ve had over the last couple of years. My dates with Craig and Theo and a long weekend away with Phil last year. It made me feel sad and lonely. Tonight I really want to be held in a man’s arms and yet I know that what’s really going on here is that I just want to escape the current stress in my life. I found out that Katie has been self harming and dealing with that is getting on top of me and I need an outlet. I thought my children were all happy so to be up against this is a shock but instead of reaching out to Phil, I’m just going to have to feel the pain rather than involve him again.